The frustration

I want my daughter to have a sibling. I really really want her to be a big sister. 

It's almost been a year since we started trying for real again. The frustration and disappointment every month my period comes again... It's like stabbing a piece of my heart out. 

I'm wondering why I can't get pregnant again. I see all these preggo moms running around chasing their kid. I want that... Yes I get jealous. It's not pretty, I know. 

Of course I'm very grateful for my daughter. She's the best thing in the world. 

And honestly, I'm old. I may not have more eggs to fertilize. That would be very sad, but normal pregnancy or none is the deal, since honey isn't as keen as me to have another. I guess he forgot how lonely he was as an only child. At least that's what he told me. I wouldn't know, as the oldest of four siblings. 

So, we will just keep trying, and trying, and trying. Perhaps one day God thinks it's our turn to get blessed again. And of course I have a request to have a healthy child too. Perhaps I'm asking too much. 

Losing My Religion

R.E.M posted a video clip on Facebook. It’s a half hour program from the Swedish Television about R.E.M’s song Losing my Religion. That song meant so much to me that I got tears in my eyes listening to it. R.E.M had a huge impact on me.

During the 1980s, music was just music. It wasn’t until Losing my Religion, indie and grunge came that I felt right at home in my music. It brought me to a new world, one that I absolutely loved. I felt connected, I felt right, and it created my passion for music.

I remember when I first saw the music video to Losing my Religion. My friend Sandra had MTV, and during 1991 they still played mostly music videos. As always, we were watching MTV, and the song came on. I was captured immediately. I knew this was for me. And this was in the era of New Kids on the Block, which I never cared for. But R.E.M. hit the spot. I didn’t know you could make music that good before. The video was weird, Michael Stipe’s voice was so emotional, so true. The music was happy and sad at the same time. I paid attention to the lyrics, I tried to understand, I tried to take in what he sang. I didn’t understand but I knew I was listening to something utterly beautiful.

The feeling of completeness was real. R.E.M became one of my most favorite bands. I just wish I knew about them before. But they started my journey to more music that made me feel special, that connected to the teenage me. I’m 38 years old now, but I can still remember exactly that feeling. It was so strong, and so real. Something of a religious experience I assume.

I had tickets to go see R.E.M in concert in 1994 or 1995 in Gothenburg. Unfortunately I couldn’t go because it clashed with a performance abroad with the orchestra I was with. I was heartbroken, sad, upset and angry. I never had the chance to see them live again, and now they’ve split… But I am still grateful for finding R.E.M. and the impact they had on me and my life.

R.E.M. Thank You from the bottom of my heart. You made me more complete.  

Free time?

All of a sudden today I had a couple of hours to myself. I was done with a small job of recording and Ella was playing happily at her grandparents. I didn't have to be back for another couple of hours. How nice, right? 

Instead of enjoying my time off I felt the stress of not using that time to work on the magazine that I volunteer for and that is due next week. I felt the areas of not being able to work on my resume and send out job applications. I need to set up a website as a portfolio of what I've done if I want to work with layout. I haven't even started. I felt the stress of not being able to applying to an online course to be able to teach English (as a back up plan if I don't get a job that I actually want). My gosh, I felt stress because I hadn't foreseen this gap and planned for this. Or at least bring work out clothes...

The stress! It's there. What did I end up doing? I ate an early lunch and had a cup of coffee all to myself. I took the tram and ended up walking back to my in-laws. There was nothing I could do so I tried to enjoy the time. It's precious... 

Ella playing happily at her grand parents ❤️. 

When will it be my turn?

I got a phone call today. It was from the job I have applied for. I really really wanted this job. It is perfect for me! But I found out I was the runner up. No, I didn't get the job. I was soooooo disappointed that I cried a little. I tried to stay positive, and I really tried to keep my hopes down. But I just felt like I was going to make it. I didn't...

This rejection triggered something in me. I am waiting for my life to get on track. I feel like I'm still struggling to find a balance. This job was my way to get started doing just that. I know I put a lot of emphasis in a job, and it wasn't that big of a deal, just a part time customer service job, but still...

When I realized I wanted to tell someone about my disappointment I noticed something else. I don't have any close friends left. I have moved so many times that I have many friends, just no close friends. I have my family, they are my closest friends now, but outside that, no one. It made me feel lonelier and even more like a failure.

I've been in Hong Kong for three years and I still feel like I'm looking for my place. I've gotten married, gave birth to a wonderful daughter, but I'm still not where I'm supposed to be. When am I going to find my place? When will I get the job I want and that will make me thrive? I'm still looking, I'm still hoping and working towards my lucky break. I know I will get there, and I know it requires work. I'm not afraid of that, I just want to get there. I deserve it, I do, I do...

Clever little thing

Going to the bathroom when you're out and about by yourself and the little one can be pretty tricky. Usually I just let Ella hang on me while I balance and try to pee. It works. But she's pretty darn heavy to be carried now. 

Yesterday I ran in to his clever little thing in a bathroom stall in one of Hong Kong's many shopping malls. It's like a high chair by the toilet. Soon easy and genius! Then I don't have to carry her, or have to put her on the floor worrying about all the grossness she can touch in there while I'm immobilized doing my business. 

So simple, and exactly what we moms need. I hope there is such thing in the men's room as well :).