Stupid stubborn fat...

Since I arrived in Hong Kong I lost my confidence, my career and any belief in myself. The only thing I haven’t lost is my weight. After 6 weeks with mammafitness there is still nothing happening. How can that be? It’s supposed to be what I needed, but it doesn’t seem to work on me. I feel lost, I feel beat.

I like my job, but it’s not what I want to do. I don’t like living in Hong Kong, but that’s nothing new. I love when I get to work out in the gym, but getting there requires a lot of planning, and it doesn’t always work. I have to get better to get there. I may be the fattest person in the room, but I just love being there. There is a physically fit person under all my layers of fat.

This fat is sooo stubborn, I haven’t seen anything like it. It’s making me depressed. 

Sveriges Radio utlandskorre!

I was talking on the radio for the first time in my life, but hopefully not the last :))). I spoke about what's going on in Hong Kong during the night radio show Vaken. It's in Swedish, but anyone interested in listening, here's the link: http://t.sr.se/1mU6f7F

It has been a long life dream for me to work with radio. I know I'm old school like that, who listens to the radio anymore? Well, I do. And now perhaps you do too!

I hate Hong Kong

I hate Hong Kong. I hate that the housing and rental prices are outrageous. I hate that there are not enough parking and I hate that there is no city planning in the villages, (parking and getting deliveries are a pain). I hate that it takes a lifetime to go to work. I hate that the apartments are so small that people are using windows as storage, or just close the curtain so you can’t see anything. Wherever you look, windows and the occasional balconies are just storage. IF one of the windows are nicely decorated with curtains, perhaps some plants and other nice decorations, you bet it’s an expat, rich one too… I hate that the apartments are NOT isolated at all! Too cold in the winter and too hot in the summer.

I hate that you have to fold the stroller when entering public transportation. I hate that there are stairs EVERYWHERE! I mean, seriously?? Carrying a stroller, bags and a wiggly toddler is not that easy! I hate that it is cheaper for us to go out and eat local food than cook fresh at home. I hate that milk cost 25-30HKD per liter.

I hate that the whole society in Hong Kong is built up around having a domestic helper at home (freaking modern slavery in my eyes). I hate that the apartments are so small, and NO STORAGE! I hate that Starbucks only sell ½ lb coffee bean bags, too small! I hate that kids are expected to start preschool at 2 years, and the little toddlers need to be interviewed to get approved!! My daughter will not be drawn in to that part.

I hate that gyms here don’t have day care. I really hate the housing market is so f-cked up. It’s just insane, absolutely insane. I make a tiny 15 000HKD per month, our rent for a ground floor apartment, not that big, 700sqf, out in nowhere cost 12 500HKD per month. On top of that we pay water, electricity, gas, TV and internet. It pisses me off so immensely. When looking at renting apartments around where my husband’s parents live, Tin Hau, we would not get ANYTHING for that price. Standard price for a rental place, 600sqf, cost around 30 000HKD per month, plus utilities. INSANE!

Some days are worse than others. And I know I shouldn’t complain, we have a roof, job, a lovely daughter, family, and I have a few people I can call friends. But I’m still not happy. When it’s time, we will leave Hong Kong, but now is not the time. 

The frustration

I want my daughter to have a sibling. I really really want her to be a big sister. 

It's almost been a year since we started trying for real again. The frustration and disappointment every month my period comes again... It's like stabbing a piece of my heart out. 

I'm wondering why I can't get pregnant again. I see all these preggo moms running around chasing their kid. I want that... Yes I get jealous. It's not pretty, I know. 

Of course I'm very grateful for my daughter. She's the best thing in the world. 

And honestly, I'm old. I may not have more eggs to fertilize. That would be very sad, but normal pregnancy or none is the deal, since honey isn't as keen as me to have another. I guess he forgot how lonely he was as an only child. At least that's what he told me. I wouldn't know, as the oldest of four siblings. 

So, we will just keep trying, and trying, and trying. Perhaps one day God thinks it's our turn to get blessed again. And of course I have a request to have a healthy child too. Perhaps I'm asking too much. 

Losing My Religion

R.E.M posted a video clip on Facebook. It’s a half hour program from the Swedish Television about R.E.M’s song Losing my Religion. That song meant so much to me that I got tears in my eyes listening to it. R.E.M had a huge impact on me.

During the 1980s, music was just music. It wasn’t until Losing my Religion, indie and grunge came that I felt right at home in my music. It brought me to a new world, one that I absolutely loved. I felt connected, I felt right, and it created my passion for music.

I remember when I first saw the music video to Losing my Religion. My friend Sandra had MTV, and during 1991 they still played mostly music videos. As always, we were watching MTV, and the song came on. I was captured immediately. I knew this was for me. And this was in the era of New Kids on the Block, which I never cared for. But R.E.M. hit the spot. I didn’t know you could make music that good before. The video was weird, Michael Stipe’s voice was so emotional, so true. The music was happy and sad at the same time. I paid attention to the lyrics, I tried to understand, I tried to take in what he sang. I didn’t understand but I knew I was listening to something utterly beautiful.

The feeling of completeness was real. R.E.M became one of my most favorite bands. I just wish I knew about them before. But they started my journey to more music that made me feel special, that connected to the teenage me. I’m 38 years old now, but I can still remember exactly that feeling. It was so strong, and so real. Something of a religious experience I assume.

I had tickets to go see R.E.M in concert in 1994 or 1995 in Gothenburg. Unfortunately I couldn’t go because it clashed with a performance abroad with the orchestra I was with. I was heartbroken, sad, upset and angry. I never had the chance to see them live again, and now they’ve split… But I am still grateful for finding R.E.M. and the impact they had on me and my life.

R.E.M. Thank You from the bottom of my heart. You made me more complete.  

Free time?

All of a sudden today I had a couple of hours to myself. I was done with a small job of recording and Ella was playing happily at her grandparents. I didn't have to be back for another couple of hours. How nice, right? 

Instead of enjoying my time off I felt the stress of not using that time to work on the magazine that I volunteer for and that is due next week. I felt the areas of not being able to work on my resume and send out job applications. I need to set up a website as a portfolio of what I've done if I want to work with layout. I haven't even started. I felt the stress of not being able to applying to an online course to be able to teach English (as a back up plan if I don't get a job that I actually want). My gosh, I felt stress because I hadn't foreseen this gap and planned for this. Or at least bring work out clothes...

The stress! It's there. What did I end up doing? I ate an early lunch and had a cup of coffee all to myself. I took the tram and ended up walking back to my in-laws. There was nothing I could do so I tried to enjoy the time. It's precious... 

Ella playing happily at her grand parents ❤️. 

When will it be my turn?

I got a phone call today. It was from the job I have applied for. I really really wanted this job. It is perfect for me! But I found out I was the runner up. No, I didn't get the job. I was soooooo disappointed that I cried a little. I tried to stay positive, and I really tried to keep my hopes down. But I just felt like I was going to make it. I didn't...

This rejection triggered something in me. I am waiting for my life to get on track. I feel like I'm still struggling to find a balance. This job was my way to get started doing just that. I know I put a lot of emphasis in a job, and it wasn't that big of a deal, just a part time customer service job, but still...

When I realized I wanted to tell someone about my disappointment I noticed something else. I don't have any close friends left. I have moved so many times that I have many friends, just no close friends. I have my family, they are my closest friends now, but outside that, no one. It made me feel lonelier and even more like a failure.

I've been in Hong Kong for three years and I still feel like I'm looking for my place. I've gotten married, gave birth to a wonderful daughter, but I'm still not where I'm supposed to be. When am I going to find my place? When will I get the job I want and that will make me thrive? I'm still looking, I'm still hoping and working towards my lucky break. I know I will get there, and I know it requires work. I'm not afraid of that, I just want to get there. I deserve it, I do, I do...