Free time?

All of a sudden today I had a couple of hours to myself. I was done with a small job of recording and Ella was playing happily at her grandparents. I didn't have to be back for another couple of hours. How nice, right? 

Instead of enjoying my time off I felt the stress of not using that time to work on the magazine that I volunteer for and that is due next week. I felt the areas of not being able to work on my resume and send out job applications. I need to set up a website as a portfolio of what I've done if I want to work with layout. I haven't even started. I felt the stress of not being able to applying to an online course to be able to teach English (as a back up plan if I don't get a job that I actually want). My gosh, I felt stress because I hadn't foreseen this gap and planned for this. Or at least bring work out clothes...

The stress! It's there. What did I end up doing? I ate an early lunch and had a cup of coffee all to myself. I took the tram and ended up walking back to my in-laws. There was nothing I could do so I tried to enjoy the time. It's precious... 

Ella playing happily at her grand parents ❤️. 

When will it be my turn?

I got a phone call today. It was from the job I have applied for. I really really wanted this job. It is perfect for me! But I found out I was the runner up. No, I didn't get the job. I was soooooo disappointed that I cried a little. I tried to stay positive, and I really tried to keep my hopes down. But I just felt like I was going to make it. I didn't...

This rejection triggered something in me. I am waiting for my life to get on track. I feel like I'm still struggling to find a balance. This job was my way to get started doing just that. I know I put a lot of emphasis in a job, and it wasn't that big of a deal, just a part time customer service job, but still...

When I realized I wanted to tell someone about my disappointment I noticed something else. I don't have any close friends left. I have moved so many times that I have many friends, just no close friends. I have my family, they are my closest friends now, but outside that, no one. It made me feel lonelier and even more like a failure.

I've been in Hong Kong for three years and I still feel like I'm looking for my place. I've gotten married, gave birth to a wonderful daughter, but I'm still not where I'm supposed to be. When am I going to find my place? When will I get the job I want and that will make me thrive? I'm still looking, I'm still hoping and working towards my lucky break. I know I will get there, and I know it requires work. I'm not afraid of that, I just want to get there. I deserve it, I do, I do...